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That I've fallen for you.
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Friday, January 01, 2010
Hello you. =)  This is going to be a very long entry. Because. There's just so much that I wish I had said, wish I knew how to say. So many different emotions. And thoughts. All pulling me in different directions. So, I broke up with my boyfriend. Painful, but it felt right. And right now, I don't regret it. Not yet, at least. So that's one issue down. I spent New Year's Eve with you. Dinner at our usual place was nice. Felt comforting to be there with you. Always makes me happy to be there with you, it sort of brings back all the old memories. But I know it wouldn't be long before you had to break the news. You're happy, I could tell. I guess I knew what you were going to say even before you said it. I'm really happy for you. Happy that you're happy. Happy that your feelings are reciprocated. Happy that she sounds like a good girl, someone who will care for you and give you the love and care you deserve. Happy that, with her in your life now, you'll be distracted from the frustration that your ex is giving you. And it was nice, watching you smile so brightly as you talked about her. The way your eyes sparkled happily. I did my part too, I guess. I tried, definitely. Teased you, congratulated you. Yes, I think I gave you the reaction you wanted to see. But it wasn't easy. Keeping a smile on my face. Nodding and laughing when necessary. Struggling to keep my fingers from trembling. Telling you how good you two are for each other. Stuffing myself with soup to burn that familiar sting in my throat. I just hope you couldn't see through the pretense. The movie was nice. Nice to sit there in the small cinema, so tiny it felt like we were in a picturehouse. Nice to look at all the families who streamed in, talking about how life would be when it was our turn to have our own families. It made me laugh, the way you were so elated when I said I broke up with him. You said I deserve better. Well, I think you deserve better too. And I'm glad you've found the one for you. You were really sweet. The way you would keep reminding me to drink in case I got thirsty from popcorn. The way you would reach over to bring the cup to me, to bring the straw to my lips. The way you insisted on holding the popcorn. The way you knew I was tearing but chose not to say a thing, because you know my pride, you know how I dislike crying in front of others. Every thing. Thank you. And it's pretty silly, but I was happy to know that the roads were blocked. Made the night last just a little longer. Thank you for bringing me to that beautiful water place. You were pretty disappointed that the fountain was switched off, but even so, it looked beautiful to me. And I like the way we walked over to that quiet little place nearby. How you sat down on the ledge and pulled me to sit beside you. It's a beautiful place. So peaceful. Just one or two couples in the distance. A few pretty lights to brighten up the otherwise dark area. The wind, so soothing and calming as it ruffled through your hair and mine. I really liked it. And it felt nice, sitting beside you. Whacking you back whenever you playfully decided to whack me. The warmth of having you lean on me when you felt tired. But what I loved most was talking to you. Hearing your voice as you talked to me. About her, about your brother, about your family. About your ex, about your worries and thoughts. All your considerations and frustrations. Your dreams, your visions for dance. What you saw in your own future. And it felt good. I like it when you open up to me. I like listening to you, knowing more about you. And it was nice too, that I could tell you stuff that I don't usually talk about to others. Things my dad told me. My beliefs. My thoughts. And it felt good that you understood me. That you shared my thoughts. I rarely find someone I can really talk to about anything and everything. Without having to think of what to say. But instead, letting everything flow out so naturally. So comfortably. It felt nice, really. I just wish the moment could have lasted a little longer. But then again, that's just me being greedy as usual. I like the way you pulled me so closely to you when we took the photos. The way you wrapped your arm around my waist. The warmth of being so close to you. And thank you for remembering the little things that I like. Like winding down the window along that road, because you know how much I love the wind's caress. Not many will bother remembering such insignificant things. But you did. So thank you. Thank you for leaving me with such a beautiful memory to hold on to. I know that things will never be the same from now on, now that you've found the someone you wish to spend the rest of your life with. That I'll probably see very little of you from now on. Probably no more beach outings. No more times at the library's garden, watching the stars and the funny faces of those who can't see us from inside the library. No more bak kut teh and partyworld sessions. No more trips to coffeebean when you're sleepy. No more nightly msn chats just to catch up on each other's lives. No more random lunch meetings as and when we feel like having one. No more hitting the arcades when we're bored of studying. No more meeting every other day to study together. Because now, you've found someone to do all that and more with. And I know you'll enjoy it a lot more with her. And I'm glad for you. Hopefully she'll treat you well, because you do deserve to be loved. And hopefully she won't break your heart. Because you definitely don't deserve that. I'll still be here though, if you'll ever need me. Hopefully... you'll still remember me sometimes. Remember that once upon a time, you had a friend who truly cared. And who will always be there. Sunday, December 20, 2009
Smile. I really am a coward. In the sense that I'm always unwilling to make decisions even when there's a need to. Knowing fully well I can't run away from it forever, yet I still try to. Anyway. Today was the happiest day of my holidays so far. Because I spent it with you. And I don't know why or how, but every single moment was bliss. Couldn't wipe the smile off my face. Even when guilty, lingering thoughts of him seeped back into my mind... There always was a smile on my face. And unlike the way it's been for the past few weeks, today's smile was genuine. And I guess that's wrong of me, wrong of me to be happy when he's not. But... allow me to have this little moment? Walking around, talking, playing, singing, eating. And talking about our life stories and everything. Everything felt so right. So happy. To me, at least. Maybe it didn't feel special to you. Yeah I think that's how it is. Felt nice to be with you again. To have your arms around me again. To have you smelling and playing with my hair again. To have you teasingly biting me again whenever I refuse to sing. To have you leaning on me when you're tired. To have you tickle me playfully. Every thing. Every little thing. Meant so much to me. But today also made me see things a lot more clearly. Now I know where I truly stand. It hurts, definitely, to know that I don't and won't ever stand a chance. That there are two other girls lined up way before me. That I'm really just a brother to you, in a way. A friend. And sometimes, a brother or buddy, whatever you call it. Just someone to spend time with, have fun with. But, no feelings attached. I wonder how you treat the two of them... In a way I'm envious. Envious that they managed to step into your heart. Can't help but wish I could be in your heart as well. But I know I shouldn't be greedy. And I won't be. Just let me be by your side, like today. Let me be the one you seek, the one you turn to. Let me be your close friend. And I'll be content. Saturday, December 19, 2009
Coward. These memories lie in the tears that I cry And nobody is here All the love disappeared Destroyed all my pride thinking back on the night when I wanted to die Because I hated my life Turn around and walk away I need some personal space To get my mind straight and disappear without a trace My life is just a waste of money and minutes Like love is just a waste of my tears and my feelings Nobody else is living my life except myself I can choose to ignore the condition of my health Bad days become weeks getting hard to really speak Explain what's on my mind, it's everything all combined Damn it I ain't lying, dear God I feel like dying Why is it every night that my eyes continue crying Alone here in the dark writing these last words My gift is not a blessing, my obsession is a curse Thought it couldn't be worse, feeling how much it hurts My pride is ready to burst, I'm putting myself first Trying to help someone else before I can help myself I wanted to end the pain that's real is how I felt How many times does a young one have to try Still struggling to live but still itching to die Sometimes I used to cry because I felt nobody cared All the pain I used to have I felt no one could share Sometimes I felt alone because no one was even there And my days of tears are done because there's no more tears to shed. There's lots of kids sleeping but I'm tossing and turning Deep inside I'm still flossing this burn And I cry like a bitch when nobody's around It's a pain I hide inside so I never make a sound I'm a soldier from the very day I was born And when it's over that's the quote for my tombstone Twenty years gone by I feel I'm chasing a lie They tell me, don't chase things unless you're willing to die Too many scars in this mess, I feel like giving it up I guess it's karma but my karma don't work I do good expecting good but instead I get hurt My life is a poem in a story you see But all I really ask is to see me for me And I know that lost souls might pity it all Even when we fall down you gotta learn how to crawl My heart's harder than the wall maybe that's why I can't show any feelings for this world, that's why they don't know. It's getting harder to breathe. I don't know what to do. The guilt towards him. Not wanting to hurt him. Yet not being able to truly love him. And my feelings for you. But you don't need me. Neither do you want me. You have someone you love. And I know I'll never be able to step into your heart. I don't know what to do anymore. Friday, December 18, 2009
Why am I still alive? He's giving up on me. Tired of facing a girlfriend who's barely there. And I don't blame him. If I were him, I would have done the same too. But it hurts. A lot more than I expected. I guess this was how it felt for chiwei. Even though there's someone else I've fallen for... He's already become such a huge part of my life. It's like losing your shadow. You don't notice it when it's there, but when it's not... God I can't breathe anymore. I just realised I never had the option of letting this drag. Back then chiwei and I both decided I had no choice but to let things hang. Because I couldn't do anything. Couldn't stop liking you, couldn't break up with him. That the best option was to just let things be the way they were. But now I've come to see that never was the right way out. That being with him whilst thinking of you would never work out. That I should have been firm in forgetting you and focusing on him from the very start. But I know, even now, that that's impossible. That no matter what, I can't forget you. That I can never bring myself to fully take my heart back and return it to him, no matter how much I try. I know it. Because I know, that all this time, despite trying my best not to face it, I know all I've been doing is to run away. I've been running away from everything. Choosing to hide in a corner by myself. Running away and being a coward. Not meeting him, even when I can. Because I'm afraid of facing the guilt that always consumes me every single time I see him. Because I don't want to lie to him. Because I'm afraid of the way I think of you when I'm with him. I've been running away. But now he's the one who's tired of it all. He wants to let go. I should be feeling glad. Wasn't this what I wanted? For him to move on, so I no longer need to feel that guilt, because he deserves someone better. Because a horrible person like me who can no longer give him all my heart... is not good enough for him. But I'm selfish. I just realised I'm not cw. When she fell, she had someone to catch her and make things better. I don't. Without him, I'm nothing. I have nothing. I don't have you. I don't have him. I don't have anyone to catch me. Oh god, I never knew it could hurt this much. And right now the only thing I want to do is to call you but I know I can't, because you're not there for me anymore. And now it strikes me, just how much I've lost. And how both of you are no longer part of my life. Nothing. Nothing's left. At all. I just want to get out now. Get out of this house. To somewhere that I can run away and scream and cry as much as I want to. I need to get used to being alone. There's no one there for me anymore. No one at all... I've lost everything, Every single thing. Thursday, December 17, 2009
Nothing. I feel inclined to laugh right now. Or should I be crying? I can't tell. So it's true then. You treat everyone like that. I never was anyone special to begin with. Everything that was so precious to me... so it means nothing to you at all. Never meant anything. That's just how you are. With everyone. Oh my god. I've been such a fool. So by telling me so clearly now that "I'll get my friend to massage for me tomorrow", are you trying to make me face facts? To tell me, to spell it out clearly. To let me know there's no use dreaming. Should I thank you then? For letting me know the truth. Oh god, I've been so stupid all this while. I thought I was special. Turns out you're like that with everyone... I'm just another of your countless friends. I should never have taken your words to heart. Now... Oh my god. I'm a fool. So those few memories that I've been holding on so tightly to... are nothing? You just stole those few shreds of lingering happiness from me. So I never was anything special to you after all. Never was. And will never be. I'm such a fool. I overestimated myself. What close friend. What special, important person. I never was anything to you. I wish you were here. Six thoughts at once I can't focus on one Seven days a week but my life has just begun So caught in emotion and I'm overcome As I'm falling down I come undone Sometimes I feel like I'm alone Sometimes I feel like I'm not that strong Sometimes I feel so frail so small Sometimes I feel vulnerable Sometimes I feel a little fragile A little fragile I find it so oddly funny that you can tell whenever everyone and anyone is feeling down. Anyone and everyone but me. Am I really that insignificant to you? Or do you simply choose not to bother? But then again... that's the right choice for you. I never should have burdened you with my problems. Sometimes I find myself envying the other juniors. Over time they'll all get closer to you. Unlike me. Everything's over, for us. For me. Over time you'll just be slipping further and further away from my grasp. This really was a very bad fall. It's such a struggle every single day. And night. To feel like I'm so bottled up inside, to feel like I just need to get away from everything. That I need release. Need to just tell someone and let it all out. To cry and let the tears flow. To be able to breathe. Yet time and time again, I find myself picking up my phone, staring at it blankly and wishing there was someone I trusted enough to tell. Wishing I could turn to you for comfort. So every night ends with me laying my phone down and soaking my pillow with silent tears, like a fool, crying for reasons that I don't even know of. Such a weakling. I never thought I could feel so alone. How is it that I can have friends, quite a number too and yet, the only person I need, the only one who can make everything right... Is the one who's no longer there for me to reach out to. I keep wanting to go to the beach one of these days. By myself. Back to where we sat that day. Just to listen to the waves, to feel the wind's touch, to relive those beautiful memories. To close my eyes and try to remember how it felt, having you beside me, having you whisper in my ears, having your arms around me. To relive the happiness of being able to turn to you. Of knowing that you cared. That I was special to you. But I don't seem able to bring myself to really go. I guess a part of me can't stop wishing I can go there with you by my side. The thought of going alone... somehow it feels like a confirmation that everything's ended, that everything's really in the past now. As though there really is nothing left for me to do, nothing I can possibly do to make things right. Was I, or am I, very greedy? I just want to be your close friend. The way I used to be. You said I was important, that I was special, that I'm someone very close to you. You said all that without me asking, when I never expected it. You said all that. And gave me joy, which brought with it expectations. Expectations that this closeness would last. That I'll always be someone dear to you. And now that things don't seem that way... I know it's been a while. That I should stop thinking about this by now. That it's silly and pointless too. But all this time, I've never been able to get all these out of my mind. A mind that's filled with you, you and more of you. You know, when I first confessed to cw about having feelings for you... I never expected them to be so strong. I never thought I could fall for you so deeply. Or should I say, I never thought I could fall for anyone so deeply till I met you. Why is it that I can't even be a close friend of yours? I know I sound pathetic, whining and complaining like that. It's not cool, not calm, not level-headed. But silly as I may sound... it really matters. To me, at least. I'll never forget the way you held me and whispered, asking what kind of friend you were to me. And the way you told me I was someone very very very close to you. All that... was it nothing but a figment of my imagination? A dream? There have been times when I truly doubted my sanity. My memory. When I found myself questioning if I had simply been dreaming about all that. I still do, actually. Because it's just so overwhelming that you can be so different. Why? Why did you change? Or should I say... why did I lose my place in your life? I wish I had the courage to ask you. But I don't. I'm such a useless, hopeless coward. Always trying to get on your good side, trying to do things that won't irritate you. Always stupidly hoping I can step back into your life someday. That I can be someone very important and special and close to you someday. What does all that make me? A fool. A fool. Really. I've lost sight of everything. Of myself, even. It's almost as though I'm living for you instead of living for myself. And it's not right, is it? I don't know. I just wish I could wake up someday and find that everything was nothing but a bad dream. That you're actually still there for me. That I'm still that special friend of yours. Sometimes I feel a little fragile. A little fragile. Different. He ignored me throughout the whole of today. Not even subtle indifference, but outright ignoring. As though I wasn't worthy of the slightest bit of his attention. Which I guess is pretty true. But it hurt I guess. And I realised I can never think or even breathe properly when he's around; as much as I may try to focus on something else, be it dance or whatever, so long as he's in the same room... I just can't wave that odd self consciousness away. Can't help stealing little glances at him, noticing him and trying to see him from afar, trying to see what he's doing. Feels so silly, so distant. It's quite difficult to accept how things have become in just the space of a month or so. How different things have become. How I've fallen so far, from someone important to him to someone he now dreads. Makes me wonder once again. I wonder what went wrong. What I did wrong. What I said. What made everything change. I hate this suffocating feeling. Of needing to know so many answers but never ever getting them. Of wanting to say so many things but never ever able to truly say it. To want to confide in him about every single thing that's been killing me inside, the way I would have just a few weeks ago, yet that's no longer an option. My life began to revolve around him, around the memories that once belonged to us. Then it got exhausting, took a toll on me because it hurt to think of someone who no longer cared. So I tried to forget it all, kept telling myself that it's nothing important, no big deal. Tried to push it all out of my mind. Of my heart. But that hurt even more. Because deep down inside, I guess I've always known all too clearly that irregardless of the pain, I can never bear to forget it all. Can never bear to let go. Can never bear to bury all the memories and stop thinking about him. Because as painful as it may be to think of him... that's precisely what keeps me going as well. That, ironically, is the very source of my happiness, despite the pain that comes with the choice of remembrance. So I'm going to continue like this. To keep thinking, remembering, treasuring. To keep missing you. Even though I know I'm no longer a part of your life. That I'm no longer someone important to you. That you've got a girlfriend you love dearly, that you've got close friends who have risen way above me. That I'm nothing to you. That I'm someone you cannot stand. Funny how I keep repeating all these to myself every single day, almost as though it's some mantra of mine; yet it doesn't do a thing to kill this deep inner hope that someday, someday, someday things will be good again. That I'll become someone important to him once again. It's so foolish. But I can't help it. Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Stupid. Why did I bother him once again. I shouldn't have let the joy of seeing him today get to me. Shouldn't have lost my self control so stupidly. He can't stand you. You know that all too clearly. Why must you, time and time again, force him to shove that fact in your face? Every little thing. It was a really nice surprise to see you today. I really didn't expect it. That feeling of walking out from the toilet, packing my bag with nothing in my mind. Then glancing up to the sight of you standing in front of me, just a little distance away. Surprise? Shock? Relief? Joy? I can't tell which it is. A mixture, probably. But definitely, definitely happy. It's so foolish that the happiest moments throughout my hols so far are all these little moments when I happen to get to meet you or see you for a little while. That small gestures that mean nothing to you can mean the world to me. Take today for example. When I was just sitting there and you suddenly gave me a bottle of coffee and told me to take it. I know you probably buy drinks for others all the time and it's nothing to you, yet... yet somehow it really made my day. And when you smiled at me at the moment our eyes first met when you were walking in... you probably can't imagine the sudden gush of warmth that flowed through my entire being at that very instant. When you ruffled my hair, though it was just a quick, fleeting touch. Everything, Every single thing you did and said, your smiles, your eyes. Everything. Your presence. The fact that you were near. That I could see you. That I could hear your voice. Every little thing meant so much. Funny how we were in a room with quite a few other people around... yet the only person I could see was you. It made my day. I wonder if you'll ever know how important you are to me. And I'm missing you once again. Or perhaps I never did stop. Gary just asked me a question. A very innocent one. Yet it took me by surprise because I couldn't answer it. I tried. I thought for a very long while. But I couldn't get over the way the sight of the question literally took my breath away. "Are you happy?" That's not a difficult question. Or so I thought. Then I realised it's probably because of the numbness that I'm now unable to come up with an answer. That I can't feel enough to even know how I'm feeling. I couldn't bring myself to say that I'm happy, because that's a lie and I know it. I did something stupid again. I just bothered him again. I detest myself seriously. Why the lack of self discipline? I don't get myself. Must I really keep repeating my mistakes and learning the hard way? How many times do I need to remind myself that I'm being a pest before I can get myself to leave him alone the way he wants me to? Get a grip on yourself. Please, stop making him dislike you even more. Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Did I make it that easy for you to walk away? Thank you chiwei. Maybe it's your faith in my strength that somehow pushed me to work harder to stay strong. Thank you. I found a way to get around the gloominess. A way to heal the cracks in that mask of mine. It's oddly therapeutic to listen to songs that I can relate to. Not necessarily emotional songs, no I don't mean those. But songs that actually voice out my very thoughts. As if I was the one who had subconsciously written those lyrics. Lyrics that spell out the story of my emotions. Strange as it may sound... they make me feel as though someone out there understands, as though I'm not that alone after all. That somewhere out there, in this vast world, someone's feeling the way I am, going through the things I'm going through, feeling as alone and as misunderstood and as forgotten as I am. And that makes life a lot less cold. Stories too. Stories shared by others who feel the same. Little drawings and images made by others who feel the same. It's just so nice to see something spelled out so clearly when I myself can't put my emotions into words. But I still can't help feeling like a totally fake person though. The way I can smile so brightly in front of everyone when my insides are sinking so deep beneath. But I guess that's how it has to be. There's no need to show the whole world that I just want to disappear. I think it's best... best that I try to remember the person I used to be. Remember how I was, how I behaved. And be that way, even if it's no longer genuine, even if it's all a pretense. Because that's the only way to carry on. Because if I don't pretend... It'll be too easy to break down. So yeah, stay strong. You chose to love him. Or should I say, you don't have a choice. You love him. So live with it. Accept it. Falling for the wrong person comes with its own fair share of pain, consequences. And I believe you're strong enough to deal with it, aren't you? For everyone else's sake. For him. For your parents, For the ones who care. Please show them that you're alright. Even if you're not. Just like how it's always been. It's just a little harder this time round, but you can still do it. You can. Good luck. And to you... though you'll never hear this. I'm still going to say it, silently, in my heart, The way I do every day. I hope you're doing fine. And I miss you. More than you can ever imagine. And I hope someday... you'll remember me. Goodbye my almost lover Goodbye my hopeless dream I'm trying not to think about you Can't you just let me be So long my luckless romance My back is turned on you Should have known you'll bring me heartache Almost lovers always do I cannot go to the ocean I cannot drive the streets at night I cannot wake up in the morning without you on my mind So you're gone and I'm haunted And I bet you are just fine Did I make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life? I truly wonder...if I really made it that easy for you to walk away.
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